Your Secrets and my Lies

Updated: 5 days ago

The happiest, most passionate couples are those who are emotionally open and unafraid to reveal themselves to each other. Yet the potential for deception always is present. The “big” lies, such as having an affair, tend to have the worst repercussions (often divorce). Yet a lifetime of small lies also can destroy a relationship.

Who would argue that it’s not a good idea to be honest? But many husbands and wives consider dishonesty a good idea under certain conditions. The fact is that marriages are ruined by dishonesty, not by honesty.

If a spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust can be undermined and feelings of security can be destroyed. Then you can’t trust the signals that are being sent and you have no foundations on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of growing together, you grow apart.

There are many reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you. Maybe they’re not fully coming clean because:

  • They have already disappointed you, and they’re afraid of your reaction;

  • They promised to change a pattern, and they haven’t;

  • They promised to get something done, but didn’t…even though they meant to.

People often lie not necessarily to deceive, but to protect their own ego. They’re ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, they are afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to live with your disappointment in them. When this is the case, it can be easy for them to convince themselves that they’re not really lying.

Lying is a toxic practice that will eventually break down your marriage.

Our Experience

When two people are in an intimate system such as marriage and one party is holding on to a major secret, especially one that includes lying, a shift will automatically begin in the system.  This shift will be sensed by both parties consciously or unconsciously and they will move to counteract that shift either consciously or unconsciously.  It is those MOVES that begin to erode and damage the stable marital system.  When the marriage has been unhappy, it is those very MOVES that the betraying party is trying to create in the first place.  The system or marriage will no longer be what it was before and the drama of those shifts will be apparent and very uncomfortable.

Problems get worse when a spouse discovers little lies and allows them to continue which is an equally destructive form of dishonesty. It reinforces to a spouse that lying is acceptable. Finding out why a person is lying is the first step in restoring trust. DON’T IGNORE IT! Being untruthful often signals insecurity, and it becomes a tool for a married couple to explore what is really going on beneath the surface. Sometimes, lying will deal a killer blow to a marriage. Cheating on one’s spouse is the ultimate form of dishonesty, and marriages rarely recover from it. Even when a couple tries to move on, trust is shattered, and it is almost impossible to restore it enough to maintain a healthy relationship.

Don’t destroy your marriage!!!!

Lying to someone that you love is unfair because it is manipulative, selfish and self-serving. Telling a lie to a person you love is just like telling them you don’t love them. Love depends on total trust. Without it, there isn’t love because deceit is not a loving act. When a spouse lies to his or her partner, not only does it break trust, but it also breaks hearts.  Liars lie because they believe it will preserve their relationship. People lie because they assume the recipient of deceit cannot handle the truth, so they distort or withhold the truth from them. Lies not only destroy love between of a couple, but also the person who was deceived.

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