Why Am I Still Single?

Some people are single because they choose to be, and that's ok. Some are not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their lives, which may be because of underlying issues. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a relationship or have dated relentlessly and haven't found someone with whom they feel genuinely compatible. This blog's point isn't to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box. However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question "why am I still single?", here are 3 potential internal challenges you may be facing.

1) Defenses

Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.

2) Unhealthy Attractions

When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. We may establish an unsatisfying relationship by selecting a person who isn’t emotionally available. Because this process is largely unconscious, we often blame our partner for the relationship’s failed outcome. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.

3) Pickiness

Our own defenses and insecurities often leave us feeling pickier and more judgmental. This is particularly true after we’ve had bad experiences, where we were deceived or rejected by a person for whom we had strong feelings. Many women start to have thoughts like, “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men may have thoughts like, “You can’t trust a woman” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” We may have unrealistic expectations for a partner or pinpoint weaknesses from the moment we meet someone. When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance. We think of dating certain people as “settling” without ever seeing how that person could make add value in the long-term.

Are you facing any of these challenges? If so, admitting that there may be an issue is the first step in overcoming. One thing is for sure, the longer you live, the more challenges you will face and likewise for the person you choose to date.

Take this time to address issues you may be having so that you can see what you should see and filter opportunities the right way.

Written by Monica Jones

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